Boogeymen - Proof that Trek Bros Were Right About Wesley.

 

Boogeymen

Premise

    We begin our story with a personal log from Wesley - red flag. While I do love him to make up for decades of hatred for his character, this book only highlights his annoying tendencies. Wesley wants to be a better crew mate, and believes that the ever alien or problem that can be replicated in the holodeck is not complex or unexpected enough to truly test his abilities as a commander. Thus, he creates his own type of alien with the help of Geordi, and when its programed into the holodeck, it goes rogue and traps Picard, Data, and Wesley within it. Meanwhile Picard's old friend Eric Baldwin, the premier exologist, is on board, trying desperately to convince Picard to wipe him from the databases to protect him from his numerous enemies. 

Who's Who?

    Like I mentioned, we do have a new character, Baldwin, who was vaguely interesting, but perhaps a little too reminiscent of Indiana Jones. Our other main players in this novel is of course Wesley (which might be the main factor in many people skipping this book), Data, Picard, and Riker. I'm not going to lie, the characterization of the crew feels off, it's almost as if the author has never seen the show. Here's some of what I mean, "Like Pinocchio, Data wanted to be a real boy" (7). It's just way too on the nose, way too contrived and if it's an attempt at humor it's way unfunny. 

The Main Issue - The Writing

    I was utterly astounded at the quality of writing in this novel. I don't want to put all the blame on Mr. Mel Gilden, as there was an abundance of typing and grammatical errors, that might be the fault of the editor or publisher. Of course, the writing isn't just bad because of a lack of editing. It is at all times very shallow, employs telling rather than showing, and is paced atrociously. For example, after Wesley creates the aliens (Boogeymen) and is trapped in the holodeck, the reader has to endure at least twenty pages of the gang just running in circles through the holodeck, nothing changing, and no plot progressing. Luckily the book is short, but that part was extremely dull to slog through. Here's an example of some of the poetic writing we have to endure in this novel, "Once again they were ambushed by Boogeymen. Picard was not gentle fighting them off. Even if they had been real and not just holodeck fever dreams, he would not have been gentle" (78). 

Parts I LOL'd At

    It's obvious this book slipped past the majority of the editing process, thus there is a ton of weird moments in this novel, whether it be the topic or writing, here are my favorite examples. One theme ("theme" being used very loosely) is that everyone who meets Eric Baldwin think he's very hot. The first to fall victim to this is Crusher, "...and went back to sickbay, still visibly pining for Eric Baldwin" (24). This pining also extends to Picard, "Baldwin had grown a beard since Picard had seen him last. Sweat darkened his shirt under his arms and on his chest. His hair was a little wild, and more sweat dripped from strings of it that drooped across his forehead. He looked dashing and wonderful" (28). 

    Next is, I think, my favorite line in any Trek novel ever: "Wesley could almost feel the Boogeymen lying in wait inside the holodeck computer. He chuckled evilly. 'What's that?' Dr. Crusher said. 'Nothing, Mom' said Wesley, embarrassed" (52). CHUCKLED EVILLY?? What does that even MEAN? That's what I mean when I say the writing is a little too on the nose, everything is spelled out for the reader. Also, why would Wesley be chuckling evilly? Did he want this to happen? Did he want to trap the Boogeymen on the holodeck? Is he the true evil mastermind? It's so bizarre and I love it. 

    At one point in the boys holodeck adventure, they end up in one of Picard's programs where he is a private investigator. His receptionist is described as being extremely attractive, and here's how we know this information, "The fact that she made Effie look like a boy was no insult to either of them. She was a redhead to make a priest think twice" (85). Hmm. That's uh, a very interesting description.

Oh, and there's this very xenophobic? Alienphobic? Comment that just slips in, "Starfleet had found through hard experience that the crews of starships are generally happier if all the members came from the same race. This wasn't a value judgment - Starfleet never tried to decide if one race was better than another, but it was certain that they were all different" (107). Literally who asked Mel? Where did he get this? Why did he say this? This is not canon. Gene Roddenberry would not support this. 

    I did like this line, "Worf and Perry left the holodeck together. Did Perry think they were friends? It was possible; human women had been attracted to Worf before. The coolness, the blatant animal magnetism, the sense of humor that he tried mightily to hide" (205). Love that. Mel really thought that one through. Where my Worf fuckers at?

Final Thoughts - Should You Read This?

    No, 100% do not read this book. The writing is so bad it's practically unreadable. The characters feel off, the plot is lame, the characters are flat. It feels like cheap, Wattpad fanfiction that got abandoned after one chapter. Please do not read this, I gave you all of the funny moments in that one section, that is all that you will get out of this novel.